I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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