Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
