I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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