He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
