I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
