I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
