At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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