You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
