I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
