turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
