me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
