so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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