This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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