theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
