You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
