the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
