Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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