...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
