tell your sister to shave her snatch
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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