Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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