i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
