Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
