It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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