Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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