Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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