My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
