All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
