Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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