girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
