I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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