I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
