So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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