i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
