I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
