You just made me feel so damn special
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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