not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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