based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
