What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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