Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
