i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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