I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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