i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sorry about my life...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
