I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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