And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
