I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
