i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
