dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
