tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
