i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
