she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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