He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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