I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
