Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
